Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Did I show you my penis last night?
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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