I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
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