guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
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