There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
