i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
