after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
