I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
