i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
