cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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