I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
