Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
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