The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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