at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
