i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
