My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Randomize
