That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
