a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
