Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
