Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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