he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
