Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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