Your face is a jimmy john
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
My breasts were aching with rage.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
