He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
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