so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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