There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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