Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
