we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
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