There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
