I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Randomize
