Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Randomize
