Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
