he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Randomize
