Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
He felt like a one man threesome
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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