Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
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