sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
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