I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
