Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Randomize
