If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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