do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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