I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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