i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
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