you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
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