He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
