I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
