By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
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