She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
