His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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