so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
