i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
