Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
