i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
