I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize