He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
