this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
