Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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