I just pynch a tree in the face
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
