We won't sleep together?
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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