and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
