my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
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