I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I need a beard to bite.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
