omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
